Mister Mailman
by ang3Lix
Summary: When did sending letters to each other be so complicated? The little topics our famous ninjas talk about aside from being fully loaded. chapter 2: special episode! fear thee the cursed jutsu of jiraiya sama!
1. a brief span of nonsenseness

**Disclaimer**: Do I really have to…?

**Author's notes**: hehe… something I came up with just a while ago when I watched the film about Philippine Literature… anyone familiar of Urbana at Felisa:D

**WARNINGS**: major OOC on the character's part, especially Sasuke. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Parody-ish kind of humor, I guess. Might suck. Flames, accepted.

**Summary**: When did sending letters to each other be so complicated? The little topics our famous ninjas talk about aside from being fully loaded.

* * *

**Mister Mailman **

By: ang3Lix

**Strike one: Sasuke to Sakura (**theme: you're a bit too vulgar, aren't you?

* * *

The lone figure that stood against an open window sill never left his sight on the falcon that perched itself deftly on the wooden surface. His left eye twitched only once when the bird produced a loud noise from its voice box.

**Stupid bird.**

Rolling a piece of ordinary white paper, he wound a string around it, securing its privacy from curious eyes. What was left protruding from the little knot he tied on the rough leg that was above the falcon's sharp claw. For a while he stood there, glaring at the quick bird, who seemed to glare back with its beady eyes. Of course, talking to the animal would make him look like a supreme idiot. Besides, being an idiot and Uchiha Sasuke just didn't belong in the same string of words.

The feathery creature emitted another ear-piercing noise.

Alarmed, Sasuke grabbed a random rag from his bedside table and snuffed it inside the falcon's wide open beak.

Almost after a few seconds, a knock reverberated from the other side of the door, which separated his room from the extended hallway. It seemed that someone was patrolling around his room again.

**Fuck that Orochimaru-bastard.**

" Sasuke? Is everything alright in there?" came the soft tenor of Orochimaru's right hand.

" Yes, Kabuto." He called out, efficiently hiding the panic in his voice.

When he heard the descending footsteps fade away slowly, he turned sharply to where the gagged messenger bird stood. It was furious. Not that he cared, actually.

" Send this to Konoha. To Haruno Sakura." He said in a low tone, barely audible even if you're a foot away.

The stiff cocking of the falcon's head should signify its understanding of the command. With its wings spread wide, it departed from the window sill, its form growing fainter.

**This better be worth it.**

* * *

**7:30**

The moment Sakura opened her window for fresh air, something much like a disfigured feather duster had slapped right at her face. She growled. Was she really that jinxed? One day, she'll kill off all these irritating neighbors of hers… It only took her a couple of seconds to realize that the so-called 'feather duster' was a disgruntled falcon, alive and still respiring.

The letter that came with it was immediately snatched away from the outstretched leg, unrolled and placed beside her bright lampshade for better lighting.

**Bastard. **

* * *

**7:30 am, Thursday**

_Sakura,_

_Hi. Whatever. Though against my will, I hope you all are fine. If not, well, tough luck. You're all pain in the ass anyways. Anyway, straight to the point. Don't you try having a boyfriend. Or else I'll kill you. _

_Literally. _

_Sasuke._

**8:15 pm, Sunday**

_Dear Sasuke,_

_STOP BEING A BIG ASS POKE TO EVERYBODY. YOU'RE MUCH WORSE THAN KAKASHI'S 1000 YEARS OF PAIN. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND IGNORE ME, COZ **I DON'T CARE!** WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOT TRY HAVING A BOY FRIEND! I'M DATING NEJI-KUN, SO DON'T TRY TO STOP ME, BASTARD!_

_Your loving teammate, Sakura._

**9:00 am, Tuesday**

_Sakura,_

_I'll kill Neji instead._

_Sasuke._

**10:28 am, Wednesday**

_Dear Sasuke,_

_Try doing that and I'll push your face in a pile of cow shit._

_Love, Sakura._

**5:05 pm, Thursday**

_Get over it, hag. –**smirk-**_

**3:17 pm, Monday**

_Fuck you._

**12:46 am, Saturday**

_If it's the other way around, I'd love to._

**9:60 am, Sunday**

_Wha…?_

**11:00 pm, Monday**

_Pretend you didn't read that._

**5:55 pm, Thursday**

…

**4:30 pm, Monday**

_Oi, Sakura. Why aren't you writing back._

**1:30 am, Tuesday**

…

**1:44 am, Wednesday**

_Forehead girl, you're making me waste paper. I'd get an ass whipping if the Oro-bastard catches me sending letters to Konoha. So answer back, you dork. _

**12:45 pm, Monday**

…

**2:27 pm, Friday**

_I'm getting angry. ANSWER. BACK. BEFORE. I. TEAR. YOUR. STUFFED. RABBIT. INTO. A. COTTON. CARCASS._

**8:57 am, Thursday**

SO THAT'S WHERE MY STUFFED RABBIT IS! SASUKE YOU BASTARD, BRING BACK MY RABBIT, DARN IT! 

**5:34 am, Tuesday**

_**-smirk-** I used it as my personal training dummy._

**5:59 pm, Wednesday**

_Just die, you bastard._

**7:32 pm, Thursday**

_**-smirk once more- **You're mine._

**3:22 am, Friday**

_**-scowl- **Shut up._

* * *

**Finish.**


	2. a big bunch of sorry

Guys, really sorry… I can't update my stories right now because of 3 things:

One: my computer is completely wrecked.

Two: I have major writers block in several stories such a your wish, bullet, mister mailman, and Love Story.

Three: tight sched. Can't do any writing with my high school life hanging in the balance.

So, very sorry! Jairah, help me with this one, will you! T-T anyway, just pray for me pips, I can get through this mess with support… teehee… peace y'all!

Any ideas for any of my fics? Send them in!

Peaceout!


	3. the cursed jutsu of jiraiyasama

" Psst."

" What."

" PSSSST!"

" … What?

" PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!"

**BAM!**

" Naruto, what the fucking hell is it!"

" Look at this!"

" … so?"

" IT'S THE COOLEST THING EVAH!"

" … hn… are we supposed to react?"

" FOR YOUR INFORMATION, SASUKE-BASTARD, THIS IS A MEGA-COOLAROODI JUTSU I GOT FROM THAT PERVERTED SENNIN!"

" Really? When did anything from that horny bastard ever be cool? Moron."

" Naruto, what the heck is 'COOLAROODI'?"

" Oh, a cool word I invented, Sakura-chan! It's gonna rock everyone's worlds!"

" You really are a moron.."

" WHY YOU.. wait and see, you bastard.."

" Naruto.. what are you gonna do..?"

**_" Once you shall read this inscription of mine,"_**

" Dobe, don't be stupid, you don't know how that works—!"

" Naruto, NO! Don't use your chakra! You don't even know it's effects!"

**_" You are now placing your life on the line."_**

POOF!

" Yo! I was late because I stepped on some of Pakkun's dog poo—"

**_" The power of words is the strongest of all, with this simple jutsu you'll meet your downfall._**

_**You begin with the beginning, you end with the end, **_

_**The one that shall aid you shall never be your friend." **_

There was a flash of bright blue light.

* * *

**Mister Mailman " The cursed jutsu of Jiraiya-sama" **

_Once you shall read this inscription of mine,_

_You are now placing your life on the line._

_The power of words is the strongest of all,_

_With this simple jutsu you'll meet your downfall_

_You begin with the beginning,_

_You end with the end,_

_The one that shall aid you shall never be your friend.

* * *

_

Naruto stirred.

Ooh, that felt weird. Weird as it was, he didn't feel any drastic changes..

_**Wait.** _He thought, glancing downward.

The sight of his pants relieved him. Okay, he was sure there are no drastic changes or whatsoever. He clicked his tongue. Okay, that felt weird. He clicked his tongue again. That weird feeling just remained stuck upon his mouth. As the noisy person he is, he opened

his mouth widely, preparing to bellow..

**_" OI YOU BASTARD DON'T YOU DARE PASS! _**

**_GET UP OR ELSE YOUR ASS IS GRASS!" _**

Naruto suddenly stopped. His eyes widened severely, bulging out of its sockets. Did.. did he just compose two lines which is comprised of rhyming words! All his life he thought his literary abilities had shrunk into a size of Akamaru's fleas, and now look at him, rhyming and all..

Sasuke, alarmed by his supernatural senses he inherited from his stick-shoved-up-in-the-ass clan, bounded from his stumbled state. Bringing a hand against his clothes, he patted quite gently, ridding his clothes of any excess dirt.

Naruto's eyes turned into slits. **_Stupid, obsessive compulsive asshole.._**

_**" Damn it dobe, what in the world did you do? **_

_**Oh yeah, you stink, you smell like dog poo—"**_

He rhymed. He rhymed he rhymed he rhymed he rhymed. Oh, this is unacceptable. Uchihas DO NOT rhyme. They don't read, write, nor recite any kind of poetry. Their stubborn mindset cannot be reverted into thinking poetry are not for sissy people. Being sissy and Uchiha Sasuke cannot be placed together in one concrete line.

Sasuke's throat had gone dry. On the background, Naruto was snickering loudly. Apparently, the rhyming cushioned the poo comment thrown by the Uchiha heir.

**_" I SOOO not stink, I smell like a rose! _**

**_I scrubbed between my nice clean toes._**

**_Oh yeah, you bastard, try to duck,_**

**_Sakura-chan's fists are as hard as rocks."_**

Naruto rhymed knowledgably. Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows at the latest verse—what did Sakura's man-like fists got to do with anything? He knew well she was still sprawled somewhere, unconscious.. But suddenly, a blow landed on the back of Sasuke's head, stars bursting animatedly into his line of vision.

_**" God, I'm sorry, did I just hit you?**_

_**It's just my kind of reflex, believe me, it's true—"**_

Sakura immediately bit her lower lip. Her eyes widened considerably, while she used both hands to cover her mouth as tight as possible. Shaking her head, aghast, Sakura padded weakly towards a tree, then sitting herself meekly on the base of it. Naruto and Sasuke exchanged looks of curiosity.

The next thing they knew Kakashi had wiggled out of the bush he had hidden during the mysterious flash of light. Patting his clothes clean for a while, he whipped his book out of nowhere, then began reading and walking at the same time. Sometimes, Sasuke just had to wonder how Kakashi withstood the porn, and still managed to do something else in the process.

**_" Greetings children , I see you're fine!_**

**_Can you fetch me a juice of lemon lime?"_**

Naruto's jaw dropped open, while Sasuke's brows furrowed together once more. Sakura continued to rock herself calm under the shade of the tree.

**_" OH MY GOD, YOU'VE BEEN TURNED TO!_**

**_AARGH GOD DAMMIT I DUNNO WHAT TO DO!_**

**_Not only are you rhyming like mad,_**

**_You're rhyming words are just so bad!"_**

Naruto rhymed in distress, clutching handfuls of his hair in frustration. At first the feeling of having the literary ability of rhyming was good, but when _his_ Sakura-chan's reaction towards the abnormality turned very psychological, and that Kakashi-sensei had gotten a good dose of the rhyming curse as well, he began worrying.

" Ha ha, juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust joking!" Kakashi chirped jovially, throwing his arms skyward, as if to rejoice. He just did not think this was a time of remorse, since his students have been cursed by some unknown jutsu that could be irreversible. Maybe he was just a very cheerful man! Kakashi the cheerful man! What a nice name!

" I ducked just in time to evade the light!" Kakashi chirped again, now patting the hibiscus bush beside him quite fondly. " And this bush saved me from the demise you three are undergoing right now!" Kakashi turned to look at his student's reactions.

**" _I HATE YOU_**

_**I HATE YOU**_

_**I HATE YOU**_

_**I HATE YOU—"**_

Naruto began to shriek in an inhuman tone of voice. Kakashi ducked just in time to evade a flying Naruto who had the desire to knock his brains out. Kakashi noted that Naruto still rhymed—well, technically, since you and you sounds the same, since they _are_ the same—whatever.

" Naruto can fly!" Kakashi breathed out in wonder, applauding at Naruto's success in breaking the laws of gravity, like Kakashi did with his gravity-defying hair.

**_" SHUT UP_**

**_SHUT UP_**

**_SHUT UP_**

**_SHUT UP—"_**

Screamed Sasuke, who seemed to forget about any logical thinking or tactics, since instead of shooting him numerous fireballs, he had simply thrown himself off the ground and onto Kakashi's back, bonking on Kakashi's head. Again, Kakashi noted that Sasuke was still rhyming—technically, since up and up sounds the same, since they _are_ the same—whatever.

" Now, kids, be good children and get off your teacher's back and stop flying around because you're making him sick." Kakashi scolded happily.

**_" DUCK!_**

**_LUCK!_**

**_TUCK!_**

**_MUCK!"_**

A female voice giggled in a babyish voice. After what it seemed the fiftieth 'HEE HEE!', Naruto and Sasuke snapped out of their beastly snarling and turned to search where the giggling came from—and their hearing led them to the sight of their pink-haired comrade, giggling childishly under the tree she had been leaning on. Her eyes sparkled with baby innocence, her arms embracing a panda bear, she was like turned into.. a baby in a body of a fifteen year old. WHOA. Was this some kind of weird side effect of Jiraiya's jutsu? (I wouldn't be telling you. Why? Because I am mean.) And where the heck did she get the panda bear! (I wouldn't be telling you. Because, again, I am mean.)

_**" Sakura-chan are you alright?**_

_**You're kind of giving us a fright.**_

_**Is this some kind of side-effect?**_

_**Because my Sakura-chan's a total wreck!"**_

Rhymed Naruto, concerned. He approached the girl cautiously, then knelt in front of the giggling female, who played with her panda bear, making him sing, dance, do the Macarena, shake its booty, do cartwheels, clap its paws—etcetera. He saw in his peripheral vision that Sasuke had stood just a foot away from him, surveying the girl carefully. She grinned playfully at Naruto's face, then continued to rhyme.

_**" STUCK**_

_**PUCK**_

_**CHUCK**_

_**TUCK**_

_**F—TOOT!—!"**_

" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Kakashi, while he blasted off to outer space upon hearing the girl's last word.

Meanwhile, Naruto sat still as a rock. He was paling quite quickly—as if his face had a flush and somebody pulled it down. Sasuke went very red, then into some other shade of scarlet. They didn't even notice Kakashi float back to earth very paper-like (you know, the way paper floats down) just a few feet away from them.

Sakura grinned so purely at the two, crawling towards their rigid forms. Sakura reached out for Sasuke, managed to grab his hands instead, and pulled him down. Sasuke noiselessly slumped down upon request. She pointed a finger at Naruto, who seemed to snap out of his initial shock.

_**" KIT,"**_

Sakura said fondly, who seemed to notice the blonde's whisker-like scars. Naruto felt himself grin slowly at the girl's child-like sweetness, something she would rarely do in her normal self. Not that she was still knocking him out every time he said kind-of-stupid things, but still, she was a bit mature now. She then pointed to Sasuke..

**" _SH—TOOT!—!"_**

" AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" That was Kakashi, blasting himself off, again, to another part of the universe. What, he can't bear cursing now!

Sasuke's mouth turned very thin and fine, that you can mistake it as an underline. His once red face turned very gray, that nobody had something to say. His mind clicked furiously at the newly digested information, that his brain was forming one great big nation. The fact that his former teammate called him names was not something he regarded as games. He would have wrung her neck so tight that she'd not be able to cry out in fright. But she gave him a smile that would melt anyone's hearts, even his own who had icy cold parts. Instead he opened his mouth to solemnly say,

**" _You truly made me very happy today."_**

Naruto, who had been busy playing with the psychologically wrecked female, turned to survey his friend very carefully, and very, very, very suspiciously.

_**" Oi, bastard, what's with that face?**_

_**I never saw you smile in a large number of days.**_

_**How come you're giving her that way perverted look?**_

_**Have you been reading Kakashi-sensei's book?"**_

He received, in turn, a smashing blow in the skull.

**_" I never give anyone perverted looks,_**

**_I surely won't touch any of that gigolo's books._**

**_Forget that, will you, we have more things to know,_**

**_How can we make this stupid jutsu go?"_**

Kakashi seemed to float back to earth again, and so he said,

**" _Why don't you guys check the words in that spell?_**

_**The answer in your problem in the jutsu may dwell.**_

_**You can't take chances and let it all go,**_

_**For the chances of that curse vanishing is indeed very low."**_

Kakashi rhymed knowledgably. He turned to look at both of his students, who was gazing at him, confused. He 'tee-hee'ed and waving a hand. " I saw that you guys had so much fun rhyming! I wanted to join in!"

Sasuke looked at him, very irritated.

**_" Jiraiya is our first stop it seems,_**

**_The dobe did get the jutsu from him. _**

**_As you see we got to do it fast,_**

**_I don't even know when this curse will last."_**

Kakashi nodded. " Okay then, my students, let us go forth in our destination!"

But Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura (who had to go on a piggy-back ride on Naruto's back, since Sasuke didn't want people to see him carrying someone with a panda bear) was now a good distance away from him.

Kakashi sighed. " They should have taken my advice. Then everything would be easier. A **whole lot** easier." He muttered.

* * *

**FIN.**


End file.
